Recipes To Die For - If Anyone Still Cooks

In this self-published humor piece, I play chef, critic, and curmudgeon—serving up spoof recipes like Dumpster Brussels Sprouts (boil for four hours, then bin), Artery-Clogging Cheese Sauce (bring a spoon and speed-dial), a no-recipe “Fish—Any and All” manifesto, and a maximalist bacon-tomato-onion sandwich. Between courses, I rant (lovingly) about overproduced cooking shows, waning kitchen skills, and generational quirks—before ending with a straight-faced tip: skip the spectacle and cook from real books instead.

Recipes To Die For | If Anyone Still Cooks

With cooking show popularity right up there with Somebody’s Got Talent and Reality Shows, it
must be time to share some of my all-time favourite recipes and family cooking secrets. These
tried-and-tested mouth-watering delights may bring a tear to your eye. Or a pain to your chest.

Dumpster Brussels Sprouts

Ingredients

½ lb. fresh Brussels sprouts
¼ lb. butter
4 fresh Italian buns

Preparation Method

Dump sprouts into about two quarts of boiling water. Cook for about 4 hours, until the mixture is
mushy. Drain and throw into the garbage container. Liberally butter buns and enjoy.

Artery-Clogging Cheese Sauce

Ingredients

¼ cup butter (No, you cannot substitute margarine. Ever.)
¼ cup white flour
1 cup cream
1 lb. cheddar cheese (old)
Salt and pepper

Preparation Method

Melt butter and mix in flour until smooth. Heat almost to a paste. Stir in cream. Grate or cube
cheese and melt it into the sauce. (This can also be done in the microwave, about one minute at
a time.) Pour over any vegetable or pasta. Or just eat it with a spoon. Program your phone to
speed dial Emergency Services just in case. You can probably hear your arteries clogging if you
chew with your mouth closed.

Fish - Any and All

If God had intended that I eat fish, I would have come equipped with fins to help me chase them
down. Didn’t happen. End of recipe.

Gourmet Bacon, Tomato, and Onion Sandwich

Ingredients
1 lb. bacon
2 ripe tomatoes
1 red onion
Butter
Mayonnaise
Salt and pepper
1 quart of milk (2% or better. Skim is not milk.)

Preparation Method

Fry bacon to medium rare. Get both bread crusts for yourself and cover with at least ⅛” of
butter. Warm bread until butter is melted. (Note how the crusts prevent the melted butter from
seeping through the bread. Spread mayonnaise on both slices. Then, on one slice, place one
layer of bacon, one layer of tomato, cut at least one quarter inch thick. Add red onion, sliced
thin. Pour on a layer of salt and pepper and finish with a final layer of bacon. If you have milk left
over after eating the sandwich, you didn’t use enough salt.
By all means, lick both your plate and the frying pan - after it cools. Toasting your bread slices is
an acceptable alternative.

Egg Pizza

Ingredients
4 large eggs (free range)
½ lb. cheddar cheese (old) - grated
½ lb. bacon
3 green onions
¼ red bell pepper and/or ¼ green pepper
½ ripe tomato
3 or 4 fresh mushrooms

Preparation Method

Fry bacon to medium rare, then chop into medium bits. Drain some bacon fat from the frying
pan. Whip eggs with some cream and throw them into the pan at medium-low heat. This is kind
of like making an omelet, but you will never fold this over when it is done. (All other ingredients
should be chopped and ready.) When eggs begin to stiffen, toss on the cheese and all other
ingredients. Reduce heat to low and cover for about ten minutes. Cut and try to slide onto
plates. Ketchup, salt, and pepper to taste.

You can substitute almost anything in or out of this recipe. It cannot be hurt unless you burn the
eggs. Serves two real people of four twinkies.

Now that you can prepare these culinary delights, will someone please explain to me why all
these cooking shows are cluttering up our TV channels and streaming services? Who cooks?
We are now living with a second, or maybe third, generation that can’t grate cheese. If it doesn’t
come in a paper wrapper with fries and pop, some of them don’t know what to do with it.

I listened to a Gen Something person of the female persuasion telling the butcher she was
cooking Christmas dinner for her family. Then asking him how to cook the turkey without
touching it. He very politely told her she was in the wrong place. Call Uber Eats.

Some of the so-called cooking shows have production that rivals the Super Bowl Halftime Show.
At least one of them has its own studio band. On a cooking show. Probably call themselves
Pork and the Chops. Can you actually get a recipe from one of them?

New and innovative ideas are difficult to come by. Here are a few.

• Cooking Lady Gaga’s meat suit - maybe while she is still wearing it
• George Michael’s Fruit Roll-ups
• Ginger Bred featuring the recycled Spice Girls
• UFC Cooking Cage match featuring Rockhead Lobster versus British Bangors and Mash

Does anyone try to recreate these meals or dishes? Beats me. All I know is that there are
hundreds, if not thousands, of great cookbooks available, published for people without $100,000
studio kitchens. You can prepare entire meals from these books. In about the time it takes to
watch one cooking show. Without the angst.